"Inside out"

The first time I saw this picture it grabbed me. A fellow military brat is the photographer of this amazing photo. She took it outside of Ipoh, Malaysia. She is quite the capturer of visual art. elephantdreams is her website.

Like the title states I am feeling inside out. More so I am feeling like I am on the inside looking out. My husband is still unemployed. I am working part time. We are not meeting our expenses. He was offered a job last week at $25,000 less than what he was making before. He could take the job, but we would be almost squeaking by. Of course, we would be making too much for any financial assistance like free and reduced meals for our two younger kids in school.

I asked him tonight if it was time to start letting others see how upset I am over this. I do have a smile to share even though I am scared inside. There are times I feel like just crying. I haven't yet. I am surprised I am able to eat or want to. Usually when I am stressed I don't eat. I had a hard time with anorexia when I was a teenager and it has popped up a few times since.

When the unemployment check comes in do we pay the car payments or the rent first? Without a car how can the kids get to school or us to and from work? Without a roof over our heads where do we sleep? We have alerted the apartmant manager to our situation. She says "okay." "Okay", we won't be evicted because we can't make rent? "Okay", everyone else is going through this too, so don't worry? It doesn't feel "okay". It is downright scary.

My girlfriend whose baby I was taking care of was laid off two weeks ago. She was shocked. Me too. She said at least her husband was still employed. That is what I used to think in my situation. Her husband was laid off last week. My husband has never had any difficutly finding work. I am amazed at how well he is keeping his head above water. I feel like telling my oldest who is considering getting out of the service to stay in because the jobs he thinks he will find will be filled by people like his mom and dad. It could come to my husband and I working fast food. I had a dream that I was back working at Jack In The Box some twenty years later. That was my first job. I will be 40 next week. Will that be my next job?