Changes

I have the boo-hoos today. My cousins are all getting together in our family state of Utah. My mom, grandma and aunt live there as well. As kids we spent a lot of time together. As adults we have gone our separate ways. One cousin and his family live in Nebraska. The other three live in Utah, but don't keep in touch with each other very often. It is actually sad. Their mom and dad have passed away. They do have their in-laws. We just seemed to be much closer as kids.

My sister, her son, my kids and myself went up to visit a year ago January. Only one of our cousin's made time to see us. We don't talk as often as we could, but we do keep in touch. She is a sweetheart. As for her brothers I just don't understand them. I am disappointed that they are so distant. Almost seems selfish. Although I do know that the loss of a parent can change a person. And to lose both, I can only imagine.

Today is a barbecue at my youngest son's school. It is the ending of summer school. Yesterday they went on a field trip to Misison Bay. He got to try out surfing. He had a blast. He really loved the wet suit. He came home and told me he wants to get a board and suit. Today is the first day of summer vacation that I have really slept in. I have been moving around and putting together furniture in my daughter's room. I think it all caught up with me last night. I slept for more than ten hours. I feel muddle headed. Too much sleep.

Got a letter from my oldest Tuesday. Seemed like forever since the last one. (I think it was a week ago.) His girlfriend is not pregnant. Just mother nature taking her time in bringing her monthly visitor. My son said he was disappointed. I was a bit, but more relieved. He is 19. He has at least 20 more years to have children. He is just starting his career in the Marines. He sounded humble in this letter. Even my husband noticed that when he read the letter. They are off to Pendleton for the next four weeks and then return to MCRD. He is set to graduate in September the day after my husband's and my anniversary.

I have a swirl of emotions going on inside me. I miss my mom. I am missing my cousins, or at least the cousins I remember from childhood. I am missing my grandma. She will be 95 in October. The kids and I have some free time before football and school start, but I am afraid to drive up there to visit. I don't know my way around Salt Lake. The last few times I have gone up there I have been with my sister. She knows her way around. She is planning to go up there the end of August before her son starts school in September. That won't work for us. We will be back to school and work. My husband is going to change jobs in the next few weeks. He will be going from being a district manager of eight automotive stores to managing one. At least it is down the street from us. Saves of fuel and wear and tear of the vehicle.

I am scared. Scared of losing my grandma. Scared of my mom's health. Scared of my husband changing jobs. Scared the new job is not all it is cracked up to be. Scared the owner of the new business is going to screw my husband over. Scared of being scared. Scared that I have put weight back on and won't be able to lose it again.

Sounds like I need to step out of the hole I am digging and fill it up. This has been a rocky summer for me. We went into it with the hopes and dreams of buying a house and my oldest leaving for boot camp eventually. We ended up not qualifying for the down payment the same day we received the final okay from the seller's lenders. Then a week later the company we had our mortgage loan preapproved with went under. It was a blessing in disguise. And hard to let go of the dream of having our own home. My son was scheduled to leave for boot camp this September unless an opening came up. He ended up leaving the day after his 19th birthday, June 23rd. His letters say he is doing well.

Time for a gratitude list. I am grateful for:

my health - cancer free for two years

we have a place to live

an empty sink - no dirty dishes piling up

clean cat box

healthy kids

healthy kitties

fans

water

clean clothes

toothbrush

gas in the gas tank

flowers

friends

babies

my husband

my kids

laundry soap

computers

electricity

being able to pay utility bills on time

money in the bank

comfortable shoes

my teddy bear from my sister

I wish I could cry. That is really hard for me. I miss my dad. Or at least the dad I wish I had. This is not the most happy of entries, but it is how I am feeling today. Things I am going to work through.

(the picture came from an artist on Etsy)